Roses and thorns - Ice Cream Assassin
Aug. 27th, 2010
10:28 pm - Roses and thorns
I am finally making enough money to pay all the bills and save a little. Soon I'll be able to give Annie (my car) the maintenance she deserves.
I like my job. Teaching college level biology is a lot of fun, allows me freedom to try new things, and I am fond of my students. My job seems to like me, as they are continuing to offer me classes.
I have a new patio table, and sat out on the porch working on course preparation this afternoon, surrounded by sun and plants and tea. Picture! My potted tomatoes have fruit on them. My basil has finally decided to grow.
I have been feeling creative lately. I want to build planter boxes for next year's garden, now that we know we're staying here. I want to paint neighborhood maps of all my favorite places. I want to pick blackberries to make pies and freeze some for the winter.
While I like my job, I am constantly feeling like I ought to be doing *real science* instead of just teaching it. I don't want to give up on a science career for a purely instructional one, and every time I get another teaching job it feels like I'm moving farther away from that path. I am definitely a better teacher than I am a scientist, and that is part of the problem- I would grow more as a person from a research job (though I definitely hope to do both research and teaching long term).
I have mixed feelings about weddings and marriage, despite knowing that I want to spend my life with this person. There are ways to make wedding traditions and promises less problematic, but marriage has (and still is, in many cases) a pretty fucked up institution that privileges some people over others. Weddings themselves try to combine the seriousness of a lifelong commitment with a big fancy party. It's the one chance you have to interact with everyone you care about in one day- but everything has to be absolutely perfect, so you can talk to everyone for about 3 minutes each while freaking out that something will go wrong (lots of older people I know can't remember their wedding days because they were so stressed out at the time). And of course, researching weddings makes one feel like "OMG! If you're not spending every spare minute working on this giant checklist of ridiculous planning expectations, your wedding will be a failure! Oh, and be sure to spend at least $15,000." There are people who spend more than $5000 on the wedding dress alone. As a frugal, clumsy person who is bad at dressing up and not fancy at all, this doesn't speak to my value system.
I really need to learn some self-discipline. Every time I have a break from work that is not filled with vacationish things, I spend too much time surfing the internet and watching stupid online videos.
Smurf is at a funeral without me this weekend, as I have to teach a GRE class. I wish I could be there for him.